Stuff like this:

As graphically indicated earlier, I have acquired Total War: Shogun 2. This is probably not a good idea. If I take the time to get into the game, I will love it and there will several missing days and many late nights as a consequence. If I don’t take the time, then it will join others in the Total War series that have failed to inspire me and become yet another game I bought but never played (and there are several).

The undercarriage doors open as an aircraft heads for a landing at U-Tapao airport (the polo was happening at the other end of the field and I was bored).

A recent inventory check revealed that I am now the partially proud owner of fourteen camera lenses; about twelve more than I need. Significantly responsible for the staggering rate of acquisition over the past year has been neighbour Nik. Barely a day passes without a call enquiring whether I have seen a Wibble Splunge 100mm F1.2 (or similar) on eBay. He tells me it looks like a bargain and too often I have believed him.

Still, I have stopped now, partly because I realise I have bought too many lenses, but mainly because the storage cabinet is full. But Nik continues to trawl eBay to acquire the optical equivalent of a beach road hooker. Once he’s got it home he wonders if it was really a good idea, especially as it is covered in fungus.

I like to think I am a calming influence and try and advise him that the latest target of his potential affections is too heavy, won’t fit on his camera, and is unlikely to be sent from Croatia if he pays for it. But he continues in his quest and yesterday it seemed like he was onto something.

Are you at your computer?

No.

There’s an amazing lens for sale.

Go on (using voice of weary trepidation).

It’s a brand new Canon 24-105 and the highest bid is six quid.

My God! (using voice of incredulity). They cost 40,000 baht in the shops!

I know, I know!! And the bid is just ending, hang on…. It’s mine! For six pounds!

Congratulations (using voice of “there must be a catch”).

So I have a Canon 24-105mm L USM lens coffee mug for six pounds; not sure what the “coffee mug” bit means though.

Nik, it means you have just bought a coffee mug in the shape of a lens (using voice of hysterical mocking laughter).

There is a long pause, the sort of pause where embarrassment oozes out of the phone instead of sound, and then a single “…oh….”.

Never mind, this morning he is back in high spirits and announces he has found an endoscope on eBay, “in case we want to take pictures inside of our nearest and dearest”. I suggest it could be a useful aid for picking up women, especially beach road hookers where careful inspection is advised. I think he has bought it.

Winter weather in Thailand is usually fantastic. Pleasantly cool, blue skies and no rain; from November through to March. Not this year. The cool, blue, dry spell disappeared weeks ago and it has been hot, humid and stormy. Until a couple of days ago when we woke up to cold winds (cold = pleasantly warm in European speak) and clear blue skies. A little warmer yesterday, but still very pleasant and it was real pleasure to stand in a field in the warm sunshine and do what I so often do at this time of year.

Most of the ten million or so people who live in Bangkok have little chance of escape from the smog and the traffic. Poor wages and a long working week means that any spare time is spent sleeping or attending to chores. But there is an emerging middle class, with time and money and a car, and they need somewhere to go to amuse themselves. Some of them come to Pattaya, clogging up the roads at the weekend; and no doubt other beach locations in reach of Bangkok are similarly inundated. But what if they fancy the countryside? Then Khao Yai and the surrounding area is the answer.

If you really want nature, there is the Khao Yai National Park, 2,000 square kilometres of forest, stuffed with wildlife just waiting to eat you, given half a chance. Of course, there is little chance of seeing any of this wildlife if all you do is drive through on the excellent road, windows closed, aircon on, and Justin fucking Bieber on the stereo because she who must be obeyed’s little sister has no musical taste.

You are taunted with the possibility of whizzing round a corner and colliding with a pachyderm the size of a house:

The Tourist Authority of Thailand shows a staggering lack of sensitivity by expressing concern that the current situation may impact tourist numbers.

In other news, Thai members of parliament rejected an idea that they each contribute 3,000 baht as a token to the relief effort; because they (mostly millionaires) will need all their cash to fund (i.e. buy votes in) the next election.

Well, screw them. You probably don’t have the capability or the opportunity to go to Japan to help out, but you can contribute.

Should you wish to come and live in this fairly crap city, then you certainly have plenty of choice for accommodation. The classifieds are stuffed with condos and (particularly) houses which have been on the market for ever, and nobody wants to buy (apart from, maybe, you). In addition, you can’t turn a corner without falling over a new condo development. Given the competition that exists, you would think that the developers would be doing their best not to be obviously lying about their offerings.

Take the Axis, a hole in the ground which promises to be a condo in 2013. We can excuse the usual marketing fluff. “The heavenly touch of living” is their slogan, which means about as much as any other slogan; i.e.bugger all. “Located on a unique location, surrounded by the beauty of nature, and the scenery of Pattaya City”; for which read “Located at the junction of two of the busiest roads in Pattaya, with a view of a government-ruined hill featuring metal walkways and brown buildings; one of which is a toilet”.

But maybe I bitch too much; all developers spout meaningless bollocks. Let’s try and be positive. The sales office over the road from the hole in the ground is spacious and staffed by charming ladies. There are mock-ups for each of the unit types which demonstrate a clever use of space. The pricing is ludicrous, but no more so than anywhere else. They even have a model of the development in the sales reception; it reflects the picture in the brochure:

Once upon a time, in a land far away, I would read many books during the course of a month. Then life became busier and I would read a few books a year. Once I moved to Thailand and the daily commute meant twelve hour days and a frazzled mind; what was required in the evening was a bottle of red rather than a soothing novel. Still, in my final months of employment, I used to buy books thinking “I’ll read this once I have retired”. Once I retired, I did manage to work through most of them, although a few remain to be consumed; but my book reading never reached the levels I had envisaged.

When the iPad came along I had dreams of sitting on the balcony, enjoying a cool breeze, and devouring the latest best-seller. That didn’t work, because the iPad’s glorious screen turns to reflective mush in bright light. So I enjoy the occasional book on the iPad indoors, and purchase a “real book” on occasions.

Then The Son arrived with his Kindle. What sort of crappy gadget could an on-line bookstore produce? A surprisingly good and non-crappy gadget as it turned out. Still, difficult to obtain if living in Thailand, I am sure. Checked on Amazon. Where do you live Mr. Amazon asked me? I told him. No problem sunshine, was his upbeat response. Click here and your Kindle will be with you in four days. So I did and it was.

The base price is $139. Courier to Thailand is $20. Then you pay a $40 deposit for import duties; some of which I hope will be refunded. So what do you get for something less than $200?

Physically, not a lot. It’s small and light. Almost exactly the same weight as a paperback book; but much thinner.