On the way to Hua Hin and she who must be obeyed engineers a crafty diversion so we can visit the statue of a dead monk.

Apparently he performed miracles. Turned salt water into fresh water, or vice versa, or walked on water; or something to do with water. I wasn’t really listening but I replied with “no, he didn’t” to each of the purported miracles, which did not go down particularly well.

Having noticed the sign that offerings of pets were not allowed, I was relieved we had not brought the cats. She who must be obeyed buggered off to make assorted offerings to the great man and I took a couple of photos of him.

Like when I met the young lady below.

What I said was: “What a cute dog, can I take a photo?”

What I thought was: “This poor dog is being forced to wear shoes, clothes and even a nappy. You Madam, are fucking insane.”

Today’s the birthday of The Son and I have marked the occasion as usual by failing to send him a gift. I score low points as a father when it comes to birthdays, and most other days of the years too. Must try harder for Xmas.

Anyway, happy birthday to The Son, and that’s all I have to say for the next three days because I am off on a jaunt which involves elephants and cameras. Expect updates sometime around Wednesday.

In fact, to widen my area of hatred, I hate spherical objects, especially if they are shiny; because they are complete and utter bastards to photograph.

Their shape ensures that they take light from everywhere and throw the resulting reflections straight into my camera lens; and reflections are generally not what you are hoping for.

Yesterday I was asked to take a photo of a desk lamp. Cool in shape, LED lit and a pleasant little subject to photograph, or so I thought. I photographed it on a table and the head of the lamp presented me with a reflection of most of the objects in the room. I surrounded it with white boards, I redirected studio lights, I generally fucked about for a couple of hours with the sodding thing. At the end of the ordeal, I had this:

The word “seminar” was always a popular trigger when I was in mildly gainful employment. This usually meant a trip, with all the opportunities for shopping, drinking and maximising expenses that that entailed; with the only small downside of having to sit in a room for a few hours whilst some idiot droned on about a topic which had little relevance to the real world of business, but had somehow been identified as flavour of the week by management and therefore worthy of attention. I remember “Quality Circles” being popular for a while, and “diversity” was also good for a few beers. All a total wank of course, but if they were paying, I was prepared to sacrifice their time and attend.

Yesterday I saw a new word: “webinar”. The downside of a webinar is that you don’t travel to it, it comes to you courtesy of the wide wide world of web. Topaz were running one last night at 2300, the subject being an introduction to their B&W Effects, so I signed up and they sent me a link.

Prompt at 2300, I clicked on the link and was surprised to see someone else’s computer screen pop up on my monitor and a charming lady started to demonstrate the product. As she talked, we could type in questions which she answered at the end of the event. It was rather strange to hear her say “and we have an interesting question from Spike…”, partially because I was here and she was in California and the whole thing was working a charm in spite of the Thai internet, and also because I am not known for my interesting questions.

Anyway, an hour well spent. Could have taken less than an hour had she used a computer as fast as mine; but then, she was using Windows. I will be looking out for more webinars to attend, perhaps this one on diversity where I can “see the perspective of the diversity advantage”. Still a total wank then.

One of the things the nice lady told me last night that I should have known, but didn’t because I am not 150 years old, is that many of the presets in B&W Effects are trying to replicate film photography techniques. Opalotype, for example was the process of printing on opaque white glass rather than photo paper. Out of favour for more than eighty years, you can now replicate the effect in your computer.

Suitably enthused, I wandered round a shopping centre this morning while she who must be obeyed went to the post office, and came home and knocked out this:

There is something different about a black and white photo (Ed: yeah, the colours are missing, dickhead). The absence of colour leaves only the subject and the composition for the eye to ponder; and of course, with the right subject matter, black and white can evoke the photographs of old.

Modern photo processing software allows you to easily create a B&W image by clicking on a button. Lightroom has a number of presets that will produce variations on a B&W theme, and quite honestly that is enough for an amateur idiot like myself.

If you want to get serious about B&W processing, then you probably need Nik Silver Efex Pro; but it looks far too complex for an ancient pensioner to master, and far too expensive at $199 for an ancient pensioner.

But now, salvation is at hand for those who fancy dicking around with B&W without the cost or complication, thanks to Topaz B&W Effects.

I already own Topaz Adjust 4, and it is a load of fun for creating interesting looking images. Now there is B&W Effects for creating interesting looking black and white images. Even better news is the price, only $29.99 for an introductory period; even an ancient pensioner can afford that.

The interface is the same as Topaz Adjust. On the left you have a large (about 150) selection of presets that you can use a starting point for your conversion, and on the right are the detailed tools you can use to fine tune your masterpiece.

The first comment on this morning’s post was the 5,000th comment made on Pattaya Days.

Congratulation to MeMock on marking such an historic event and I think it is only fitting that he receives the prize I had reserved for this moment: eight paragraphs of sage advice on how to play Trade Nations.

I have something even better planned for the 10,000th comment; so keep posting.

Comments 🔗

2011-08-31 | Billy the Brush says

She who must be obeyed occasionally misunderstands my English, often with amusing results (for me).

Me: The Son was playing Deus Ex until 0200 this morning.

SWMBO: My God! What did his girlfriend think of that?

Me: I expect she went to bed and let him get on with it.

SWMBO: My God! Who was he doing it with then?

Me: Huh?

SWMBO: You said your son was having a day of sex until 0200 in the morning.